The year 2018 has not certainly been the best.  In other ways it has been a positive year, it just took me the last eight months and a stay in the Veterans Hospital to come to the conclusion that my life does not in fact, suck.  I have a great life.  Depression and anxiety suck.  They brought me down and I’ve had events trigger a serious downward spiral.  After my failed deployment, I was stuck at Fort Bliss for several months while various providers tried to decide my issue.  I tell you this because at one point one of my sister’s good friends called me while I was there.  I have blocked out most of that time, however, I do recall her saying, “Sandi, tell me, what’s wrong? What’s happened?”  At another point in our conversation she told me I’m a strong woman and I’ll get through this.  She was right.  I did.  There are times I feel like a train wreck waiting to happen, but I seem to pull out stronger than before.

A little background on me.  I was raised in a good loving home.  My parents were not abusive.  They probably struggled at times on how to handle three kids, but they did the best they could.  I love my folks and my brother and sister, and feel closer to my family that ever before.  I joined the Army Guard in 1998 on an impulsive move.  I became full time and loved it.  It was my passion.  Fast forward, 2009, I got sent back from Kuwait when I went to talk to the doctor on base about some medication for anxiety.  I was worried about the flight to Iraq and what was to come.  After talking to the doctor and sitting on that cot shaking the whole darn thing, it was determined it was not safe for me to go.  I was losing my mind and the doctor could see it.  I was honorably discharged that December.  I worked some jobs here and there, went to school and earned my Associates degree with high honors.  I’m proud of that degree and the hard work I put into my studies.  Fast forward to the present, I work at the VA now, helping veterans with their medical bills for when they seek care outside the VA.  I feel so blessed to have my job.  It is my passion.  I don’t care about moving up the food chain; I care about my vets and helping them always makes me feel good at the end of the day.  My job is my livelihood.  It is a way of life for me.

Back to this year.  I had a fiancé that I considered my best friend, my rock, my true love.  It came to light right around Easter that he was no longer interested in getting married.  My heart was crushed, but I agreed I was happy being with him.  At the end of April, I was making his favorite dinner.  I was texting him that dinner was almost ready.  I was always excited for him to come home and talk with him about the day.  About an hour later, he texted me stating he would not be home that night and to please not blow up his family.  I thought he was joking until I called his phone and realized he had turned it off.  I threw the whole dinner in the trash, screamed and yelled, grabbed a bottle of wine and spent the night at my brothers, wondering and worrying.  Well, it turned out he cheated.   I couldn’t believe the man I admired for his morals would do such a thing.  I was enraged and hurt and scared all in one.  When he told me all of this, we talked about staying together.  I was willing to work through the pain to become a strong, loving couple. 

The night we broke up was a few days later.  We had what I thought was a good time at the church auction.  We came home, had a drink and went to bed.  I thought maybe sleeping in a pair of underwear would get him to come around.  It didn’t.  He kissed me on the cheek and rolled over.  That was when I knew the damage was permanent.  I got up and put my sweats on and told him it was obvious that I was trying harder than he was (which he told me some days before).  I went out in the kitchen in a fury.  He of course followed me.  All I remember was telling him that if we were done, to let me go.  He agreed it was over.  He said he didn’t want to lose his best friend.  We cried, shoot, I sobbed harder than I have ever done.  He didn’t break my heart in two; he shattered it into a million pieces, scattered all over the floor.

Luckily, two days later I found a great apartment with a pool and a fitness room.  (Let me tell you, my daughter and I got our use out of that pool this past summer.)  I had to call my daughter to break the news to her that he was no longer going to be in our lives.  It was heartbreaking to me and lately I have been angry, because I feel he didn’t just break up with me.  He crushed my daughter.  She never really said it but I suspected she loved him and felt a strong bond with him.  I’ve been angry because I wonder, how could he have done that not only to me, but my daughter that he treated like his own.  It breaks my heart when I mull over it, and I do still cry over him at times.  There are times I recall the good one minute, and the next I truly hate him for what he did to us.

I started calling into work quite often since July.  I’ve been depressed, high anxiety, broken.  I had a hospital stay earlier this week because I was hungover and depressed and scared.  I was afraid of myself.  I pretty much stayed in bed the first day, but the second day I woke up feeling positive.  I attended a couple of the groups they offered.  Something broke inside me.  A new light shined and positive changes have been happening since I’ve been released.  I have found a support group that I plan to attend once a week.  It’s for people who tend to use alcohol for coping.  I am not an alcoholic, however, I do use it to calm my nerves, avoid depression, avoid what’s really going on.  Same with sleep.  I sleep to pass time away instead of indulging in my knitting hobby.  It all goes hand in hand.  I went to work Wednesday and had a serious talk with my boss.  God bless him, he has been so patient with me this year.  I apologized for not caring and have told him I would love to start working my full five days a week again.  He appreciated it and told me that I am a good employee, and he wants nothing but good for me.  He really is a caring man, and if he wasn’t my boss, I’m certain I would have been fired months ago.  Now it’s my turn to show my appreciation for him.  Change comes from within, and for the first time I am willing to stop living the definition of insanity and do something about it.  I am slowly but surely turning from a caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly.

Other positive things happened to me this year.  I met a friend through my ex, and she has become one hell of an amazing friend to me.  She is ever patient and kind, always providing sound advice (even when I don’t want to hear it, I listen to her).  We are both quirky, potty-mouthed women that find time to laugh and cry with each other.  Another amazing thing is that since I’ve been single, my relationship with my lovely daughter has morphed into an unbreakable bond.  She and I make each other laugh and I’m able to be more open with her about what’s going on and about life.  Sometimes she just asks me to stop, if it’s an uncomfortable subject, but I know she’s listening.  I never fail to tell her how proud she makes me and how much I love her.  My 13-year old brings me nothing but a smile when I think of her and endless joy.  She is the greatest gift I have ever received.

I’m smiling now thinking of all the blessings in disguise God has presented to me.  I have often questioned why He has not struck me down for all the bad crap I did in the past.  I used to believe I was destined for hell.  I no longer believe that but it has taken a lot of prayers and faith.  My faith has become stronger than ever, and tomorrow night (Christmas Eve) for the first time since my ex split up with me, I am going back to my church.  And I will be attending regularly.  There are many non-believers out there, and I respect their right to that belief.  However, God has brought me out of so many troubles that I wonder how I could ever have lost my faith in Him.  He’s looking out for me.  The answer to my own question is the reason God has not struck me down, is because He loves me.  Simply put.  He is never ending love.  He is always there.  Consider this the next time you question your purpose in this life. He loves each and every one of you.  All He asks in return is for your faith.  Trust Him.  He doesn’t always answer right away, but He will in time.  I’m smiling as I write this paragraph because I know without a doubt that is the plain truth.  My heart didn’t lie to me and I feel Him in my soul.  I’m forever grateful.

One last positive I want to touch on:  I met a man once who I will call S.  S was a man I dated and I broke up with him 18 years ago, because I was young and didn’t know what I wanted.  Being in the military brought us together on more than one occasion.  Sometimes I ran into him at Fort McCoy or other places in the military.  We were even in the same two-week course in Arkansas, along with other soldiers from our state that we knew.  Shit, we went golfing together, a few of us, in February that year.  I smile when I think of what terrible golfers we were, but it was a blast.  At one point after I cracked during deployment, I think maybe I saw him one other time in the last nine years.  That was it.  I thought he was gone out of my life forever.  I knew he was married at that point and always hoped nothing but the best for him.

I believe it was back in August or September this year, one of my old military friends (and roommate) messaged me and several other friends about getting together.  We agreed, on a whim, because It was for the next evening.  I drove up near Madison and had an unforgettable evening with the best friends a girl could ask for.  S was there.  My heart pounded when he told me he was in the process of a divorce (not his choice).  He and I stayed the night at our friends and we didn’t get much sleep because we were talking and making each other giggle like a couple of school girls.  S and I always had that over the years.  I swear he has the best stories and I think my quirky sense of humor makes him laugh.  He is also the best guy friend I’ve ever had, besides my ex-husband and ex fiancé.  Mainly S tops it though because he and I can talk about anything, and I do mean anything and everything, right down to the nitty gritty.  He is an amazing friend. I can talk to him, and he can talk to me, without fear of judgement or jealousy.  He and I both believe the past is the past, and that shit doesn’t matter.  Past experiences with each other and with other past romantic relationships help us learn and grow as human beings.  No body is perfect and I see him as a generous and giving soul; one who will listen and give short and sweet advice. 

So anyway, S and I have been hanging out once or twice a month.  I drive up by him and stay the night without the romance.  Well, there’s been some longer hugs than normal friends exchange, but we have an understanding.  He has been hurt by his wife.  I know he loved her dearly and is torn.  I will not overstep those bounds.  I don’t know if he and I will ever get together romantically.  Frankly, I’m not certain I want to.  He has three kids, which is fine, but two of them are much younger than my daughter, and I don’t want to play step mom or what have-you at this point in my life.  I am content being on my own for the first time in my life.  I am just happy being his friend.  I will say it could get in the way of me having any sort of romantic relationship outside of him, but frankly I don’t care.  I’m willing to sacrifice romance the rest of my life if it means he and I can maintain our friendship.  No one makes me laugh like he does and his place in my life means more to me than any other man could provide.  He can relate to my anxiety as he struggles with it himself.  He knows what it’s like to have to go to the emergency room to calm down.  I do too.  (Ativan does wonders for calming me down when I have an attack.) 

The point is, this year has been rough and I let the anxiety and depression almost get the best of me.  There are days the anxiety alone makes me want to give up.  Anyone who struggles with this as I do totally understand that feeling.  However, I am better than that shit I tell myself on the bad days.  I’m a beautiful woman, inside and out.  I’m an amazing mother that co-parents with my ex-husband (who I still consider one of my closet friends) and his wonderful wife.  I could not ask for a better second mother to my child.  I don’t like to say “step-mom” because she is more than that.  She’s a mom to my daughter and they love each other dearly.  For that I will always, ALWAYS be grateful!  I cannot say enough good about her. 

Okay, that last paragraph got off on a tangent and for that I apologize.  The point of this post is while for most of the year I thought 2018 was horrible for me.  I realized about five days ago that it isn’t true!  I have an amazing girl friend thanks to my ex, and I rekindled an old friendship that is worth to me more than all the precious diamonds (and I do love diamonds) in this world.  Most importantly, I have a strong bond with a daughter that is beautiful, charming, witty, talented with art and school and musical instruments.  She’s a funny girl and has good well-mannered friends.  When my daughter plays her ukulele and sings along, I feel I have been touched by an angel.  She is the most beautiful being in my existence and in some ways, I learn from her.

It’s true, my life does NOT suck.  Depression and anxiety suck.  I’m a strong woman.  For the first time in my life I don’t think groups and goal setting are stupid.  Rather I find them to be helpful.   For the first time I am ready to make an honest change and defeat the demons that live in my dark place.  I’m doing it with the help of my loving family and friends, and most importantly God.  Some days I may feel stuck in life, but I now know my purpose.  My purpose is to help my fellow veterans.  My purpose is to be a kind and loving mother that gets to enjoy watching her daughter become a beautiful young woman.  My purpose is to offer my love and support and a caring ear when my loved ones need to vent.  My purpose is to make my few friends laugh and to tell them I love them, each and every time I see them.  My ultimate purpose is to have faith so when day I can be in Heaven with Jesus and my loved ones.  My purpose is to be.  This my friends makes me smile more and more each day.  Thank you for your time and attention in reading this.  I hope it has offered some positive vibes for those who struggle.  There is a purpose for you.  Be patient with yourselves even when you feel unlovable.  Don’t be afraid to seek help.  Taking care of number one will help you lead an amazing life.  Embrace change and the rest will fall into place.